


Foolish, Fragile Spine

by spellitwithyourpeas



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:38:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spellitwithyourpeas/pseuds/spellitwithyourpeas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the anniversary of Ben's death. Karen is wracked with guilt and does some soul searching with Frank.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Foolish, Fragile Spine

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Daughter's song Smother.

_But how long can I tell myself this is just bad luck? Fisk? And now this guy? I mean, what if I’m drawing this stuff my way?_

_You’re not. You’re gonna be fine. “Punisher" is just a nickname._

_Yeah, well, what if I deserve it?_

_What are you talking about?_

_Nothing._

The Valentine’s Day decorations still littered the walls of the office at The Bulletin. The mood of the staff was somber and the frilly pink hearts just made it all worse.

When the majority of the staff had made it in for the day, Ellison stepped out of his office. “People! Gather round. Look everyone, today’s a hard day. We lost a good man and an excellent reporter a year ago.” He looked around at the sullen faces, focusing briefly on the blond at the back of the group, before continuing, “But Ben would’ve wanted us to stay focused and do our jobs.” With a rap of his knuckles on the closest desk, Ellison ended the brief speech, “All right back to work.”

Karen walked back into her office, pausing in the doorway. Ben’s office. It hadn’t been much of a pep talk. Everyone knew it. Ellison knew it. But it was expected, so he delivered.

She hadn’t changed anything in the room. It was still his pictures and framed articles that lined the walls. Usually it was motivating. To be reminded of his achievements and it served to keep the essence of Ben Urich alive.

Today, however, it felt like a tomb and it was suffocating. She sat down and pushed through it. Everyone appeared to have their heads down, busy in work.

Heads may have been bowed, but they were distracted by memories and the implications of his death. It was a rare day when the majority of the staff left on the dot at 5:00 pm.

Karen hung back. _It’s your fault._ It was cruel and repetitive and hadn’t ceased all day.

“Karen.” She glanced up at Ellison, standing in her doorway. “A few people are going to the bar. Grab a few drinks. Tell some tales. You feel like joining?”

“No, No thanks. Have one for me.” Ellison scoffed at her response, “Oh I’m not going. I was just passing it on. I’m going to be here for a bit longer.” Karen gave him a small, sad smile.

He returned the look, his gaze lingered on the wall behind her, “Yeah. I know the feeling Page.” Karen watched him leave and head back to his office. She suspected she had a lot in common with Ellison today.

Before she could contemplate the matter further, her phone buzzed with a text.

-You still set to meet?

Karen glanced at her watch. Shit. She was late.

-Yeah. See you in a few.

She gathered her things and walked quickly over to the diner a couple blocks away. Frank liked it because it was quiet and family owned. It also didn’t hurt that the they were Pro-Punisher.

She found him sitting in the last booth, with a peripheral view of the exit towards his right and clear view of the entrance. Frank looked up when he heard the bell jingle as she came in. He was sipping on his coffee and as she got closer she saw her cup had already been filled.

Karen scooted in the booth with a heavy sigh, “Sorry I’m late.” She reached immediately for the coffee. Frank waited for her to continue with an explanation. When she didn’t, he pulled out a few sheets of paper from his pocket and got started.

He caught her up on his progress since their last meeting, pointing in reference the shipping schedules and drop off locations. She did her best to follow along, taking rushed notes in her little black journal. There were some new players in the city, bringing in weapons and drugs. Frank wanted to take them out before they got settled. He rambled on and her thoughts strayed. At some point during the one sided conversation, he noticed her pen hovering over the page.

Frank stopped midsentence. “You seem distracted”

She blinked out of her daze, “Shit, I’m sorry Frank. It’s been a rough day.”

“Yeah, looks like it.”

She glanced up, “Ben, the reporter who helped expose Union Allied-

“This the guy whose car I rammed into?”

Karen raised her eyebrows, “Yeah, uh that’d be the one. He…he died a year ago today.”

_It’s your fault. It’s your fault._

Karen broke his gaze and peered out the window at the strangers walking outside.

Frank pushed the papers aside and settled into the booth. “He was a good friend hm? You were close?”

“Yeah. Yeah we were friends.”

“Tell me about him.”

Karen forced a smile as she traced the handle of her mug, “Ben was smart. He always tried to think everything through and slow down when I wanted to race ahead.” Her throat tightened. “He…he was a good man and I used him.” She inhaled sharply and nodded, “I manipulated him for a goddamn story. And he died for it.”

She didn’t see any judgement in Frank’s eyes, just silent observation. If she was being honest, she wanted the judgement. It was foolish, but she craved it.

Karen could tell from the look in his eyes that he wouldn’t oblige her.

Yes, Ben had made a choice and willingly worked with her. Her desire for truth, justice, and revenge left her reckless. More than once she’d tried to steer him off the path he’d set for himself and ended up sending him straight into Fisk’s. She wouldn’t escape that responsibility.

It was always there in the back of her mind. Today it had moved to the forefront and it was suffocating.

“I’m sorry-I can’t…I’ll work on that,” she pointed to the papers, “and get back to you.” Karen wanted to maintain her composure out of sheer pride. She didn’t want to break. Not in front of _him._

Karen scooted out of the booth, slipping on her coat, before exiting to the alley.  

The cold air was biting. Her cheeks flushed with emotion.

She leaned against the brick wall and broke. Her shoulders shook. Her hand flew to cover her mouth in a failed attempt to quiet the sobs.

_It’s your fault._

She may have accepted her actions against Wesley, but she’d never forgiven herself for Ben’s death. For Daniel Fisher. Even after all this time, Karen couldn’t shake the feeling that she tainted everything she touched. Not unlike Frank, she left her own form of destruction in her wake.  

Correlation didn’t equal causation. She knew that. But the connection was still present. It didn’t take a genius to see it.

Kevin. Daniel. Ben. Nelson and Murdock. Frank.

Her breaths were coming in short, shaky gasps. It wasn’t self-pity. It was guilt. Wretched guilt.

The door to the alley opened and closed. Karen didn’t have to turn her head to know that Frank had followed.

He’d let her leave, still sipping his coffee. When he heard the back door shut, he’d folded the papers up, stuffing them in the large pocket to his coat and left a generous tip on the table before following her out. The staff always told him it was on the house. He never listened.

With a heavy sigh, he took her by the wrist and tried to pull her close, to gather her in his arms. But she resisted, stiffening at his touch.

“No, no I can’t-,” It was a weak protest. But Frank held firm and she crumpled in his arms.

He held her close as she cried, one arm wrapped around the small of her back, the other dipping into her soft blond hair as he spoke quiet words of comfort.

They were hidden in the shadows of the alley.

Karen relaxed in his arms and allowed herself to be held. Sniffling as he gently shushed her.

She hadn’t been hugged in so long. She felt like these last couple of lonely months were unreal. How could she feel so alone when she was surrounded by so many people? But nonetheless, the loneliness made its presence known, creeping in, and settled within her.

But with Frank holding her so close and with a deep understanding of personal loss. It was overwhelming. Karen realized just how starved of touch she had been and she sank deep against him, letting the feeling of his rough hands and steady heartbeat drive the loneliness away. Even if only for just a moment.

A moment that took her back to his home, when she first met the real Frank Castle. He may be dead now, but his ghost lingered in moments like these. It wasn’t the Punisher who was embracing her.

No, this was the man who used to hug his wife from behind and sway to the music coming from the radio in the kitchen. The one who’d close his eyes as Maria leaned back into him. The man who’d sit on the couch with his family, the glow of the tv the only light in the room. Frank would hold Maria close, with his breath tickling her ear, he’d whisper to her under his breath the things he was going to do to her later and she’d giggle loudly. Loud enough to earn a ‘Be quiet Mom! We can’t hear the movie” and she’d try to stifle it. Unsuccessfully.

But that was before.

Karen didn’t know those memories.

When he spoke, his voice rumbled low (she always loved his voice). “If I said it wasn’t your fault, would you believe me?” His eyes searching hers. She’d been told before that hers were a piercing blue, but Frank’s? Frank’s had their own dark depths.

Karen let her arms fall to her side, and stepped back. Frank still stood. She glanced wearily at him.

“If I asked you the same, would you believe me?” It was asked in earnest, knowing he carried his own guilt.

Frank sighed, “No, don’t suppose I would.” He continued with a quiet warning, “It’ll eat you up…if you let it. The guilt.”

Karen’s expression was troubled, “How do you not let it?”

His was equally was grim as shook his head, “You know my way. Burn it and bury it down deep. You gotta find yours.” Karen took a ragged breath as she nodded.

“Thanks Frank. I uh, I think I know where to start.” Frank gave her arm a squeeze, “You call me yeah? Call me if you need me.”

“I will.”

Karen walked back to her car alone.

She drove up to the cemetery on the edge of the city. The last time she was here was for Ben’s funeral, her and Matt. She had been so angry with Foggy for skipping. The memories flooded back as she sat in her parked car, staring out at the rows of headstones. The day had been bleak and grey, much like today. She remembered having butterflies in her stomach when she walked over to Mrs. Urich.

_“He talked about you all the time. He thought you were something else. The way you wouldn’t let go until you got to the truth. He admired that.”_

And it got him killed.

_“We never got around to having kids…but if we had, I think he would have wanted one like you.”_

Those were the words that she couldn’t bear. It was messy and poor timing, but she’d felt like if she didn’t confess the weight would crush her. _I think it’s my fault…_

But instead of anger, the woman received her with grace and an open hand, pulling her close _“Ben Urich never got pushed into anything he didn’t want to do_ ”.

Karen pressed her forehead against the glass, imagining the scene that happened a year ago. Already a year.

Tears rolled down her cheek. She couldn’t bring herself to exit the car. His car. Instead, Karen opened the glove box and grabbed the tape, tracing the plastic edge. The guilt was keeping the wrong memory alive. He wouldn’t want this…this endless cycle of self-loathing.

This was his world and hers. There were risks and costs in their line of work. When you turn over stones you get everything that’s hiding underneath. Your hands get dirty. You try to do it with as much integrity as possible, but you will fail. That’s when you have to ask yourself. Is it all worth it?

Ben thought so. He’d dedicated his life to it. _“He passed doing what he loved.”_

Karen wiped her eyes. _Pull it together Page._ She let out a soft laugh, imagining his sigh of annoyance.

It was only the beginning. The guilt had been tucked far away. Forgiveness would take time. But for now, it was a start. She was ready to get back to work.  

Karen turned the key to start and almost tossed the tape back in the glove compartment when on a whim, she put the tape in. The upbeat sound of Shining Star filled the car as she drove back into the city.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :) find me on [tumblr](http://lightofpage.tumblr.com/)


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